This is something I never wanted to write, but always felt like I might.  I am officially part of the 1 in 4 women who have lost a pregnancy. I’m not 100% sure why I’m writing this; I think I’m hoping it will be cathartic.  It’ll likely be jumbled.  I may add on as I heal.  As of right now it’s April 4th and I don’t have it scheduled to post until what would have been my due date of October 29th.  I have time to change my mind or change my post.  I hope I feel brave enough to post because women should never feel alone in their loss.  It’s too common to feel alone.

We were trying to get pregnant and were fortunate enough to conceive in the first month.  3/3 on that thankfully.  We found out the day after Valentine’s Day when I was just 3 weeks and 4 days.  I was excited but hesitant.  I felt like I’ve been so lucky that at some point the other shoe just had to drop.  Intuition, anxiety, pessimism?  Who knows.

This also happened to be the first pregnancy where I did not get an early dating ultrasound.  Something that will not be happening again if we choose to try again.  I had the NP clarify that point for me real quick!

Now, it’s worth a note that I don’t get a lot of pregnancy symptoms.  With Squiggles I had a bit of morning sickness but had none with Squishy.  I also don’t really get tender breasts.  About all I get is round ligament pain and a super nose.  The only hint I had that something might be wrong is that I’ve been unable to snag the heartbeat on my doppler.  Something I was able to do with my girls by 9 weeks.  I tried to chalk it up to my being 10 pounds heavier this pregnancy but I’ve got some doppler skills and the foreboding weighed heavy.

Yesterday I went in for my first ultrasound.  I was hoping to tell family next week.  To tell my girls.  Unfortunately it was almost immediately clear.  My uterus was huge, baby was not, and there was no heartbeat.  The NP was an angel and got me in with the doctor who had delivered my first born.  I love my doctor but I keep having the bad luck of her being gone during major issues.

He saw me that afternoon and confirmed the baby had passed 3 weeks prior at 7 weeks.  It was a missed miscarriage.  I was told my options but with an upcoming trip and a body that was refusing to acknowledge what was happening for over 3 weeks, I opted for a D&C.

Thankfully my appointment for surgery was scheduled for just the next morning and I was able to get it done this morning.

It wasn’t fun, and I cried like a baby while the doctor held my hand, but I survived.  And I’m so thankful for my minimal bleeding at home so far.  I had no desire to pass a pregnancy with three small children at home and one bathroom.

I have to say, a missed miscarriage is beyond shitty.  Any loss is shitty and I fully admit I have no concept of a late term loss or stillborn birth, but a missed miscarriage is shitty nonetheless.  In most cases you have no signs you’ve lost the baby.  You just go in and find out you’ve been carrying around a deceased embryo while you’re dumb AF body can’t figure out what the hell is going on.  It’s a mindf*** to think I’ve been walking around for almost a month, making plans, looking forward to a baby that was no longer there,

I’m going to have to take an internet break for my sanity soon.  There is a girl on Instagram who was due the same week as me.  I’ve been internet window shopping for baby stuff so all my targeted ads are shots to the gut.  And every post on Facebook is like a reminder that I don’t get to be happy right now.

Right now, I don’t know what comes next.  When we got pregnant I embraced that this would be my last.  I looked forward to doing everything one more time.  But hubby only ever wanted 3 kiddos and as a plot twist blessing we got a call for a possible adoption just a few days before the baby likely passed.  We said yes.  Suddenly we were going to be a family of 4.  We adapted to that.  BUT, now that 3 is back on the table, hubby thinks he might be done.  He has some time to sit on it.

I’m not mad.  Does it suck?  Yup.  Is it what I want?  Not at all.  But, I’m a firm believer that a baby is a two yes, one no situation in a marriage.  I’ll hurt but I won’t begrudge him.

Right now I’m in limbo.  If I knew we were trying again, I think I’d be okay.  I’m a planner.  I’d start looking forward to getting my period again and moving forward.  Instead, I’m freaking the f out and not only mourning my loss but mentally preparing the loss of the family I have been envisioning for the last few weeks.  Thinking about letting go of being pregnant again, first kicks, first steps, baby smell, new baby goodies, and an even number of kiddos.  This in between area really sucks hard and I think is making this so much worse.

I’m sad my baby isn’t coming.  I’m fairly rational though and know there was likely something profoundly wrong with him or her, as my body seemed to look good.  I’m more scared that I won’t get my rainbow baby and no one new will ever come again.